


A Reason to Stay

by All_you_sinners_stand_up



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Dumb boys being dumb, Eren thinks about dying a lot, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Nightmares, Other Ships Not Mentioned in Tags, Survivor Guilt, Violence, basically everyone in the 104th is mentioned
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-24
Updated: 2017-04-23
Packaged: 2018-05-16 01:34:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 17,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5808184
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/All_you_sinners_stand_up/pseuds/All_you_sinners_stand_up
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eren Yeager is humanity's last hope; and an idiot, at least according to Jean Kirstein. But when Eren begins to lose the will to fight Jean finds himself trying to give Eren a reason to keep going. And in doing so, might just find his own reason to live.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I do not own any of the Attack on Titan Characters. 
> 
> I hope you guys like it and please give feedback! Sorry if there are any mistakes.

At first he isn’t sure what it is that wakes him up, but he’s up now, rubbing at his eyes with the heel of his palm.  Training had been hell today and everyone was exhausted; sleeping like dead weights. Everyone except him. Jean blinks groggily in the dim light. The moon Is still up, casting a soft glow through the windows  of the large shed behind the Survey Corps “castle” that has become a sort of makeshift barracks.

Everything seems fine. _So why the hell am I awake?_

Then he hears it. It’s just a whimper, small and quiet in the darkness. It’s followed by another, which is followed by a slightly louder groan.

Jean’s eyes narrow on the bed next to his, where the source of the noise is lying. Jean grits his teeth in annoyance. Of course it fucking Eren. _What the fuck is he doing?_

“Shut up Yeager!” Jean’s voice is no louder than a hiss, and Eren lets out another small noise in response and _what kind of sound_ is _that?_ Jean can see Eren turning over and over again and he curses the bastard for waking him up. And because it's Eren and because it's the middle of the night, Jean is sure Eren is doing this to fuck with him. Fed up, he slips out of bed with every intent of shutting the other boy up.

The wood floor is cold under his feet and Jean scowls. _Damn Eren, with his stupid face and his dumb ideas and fucking waking me up._ It’s only when he gets closer does he realize that Eren isn’t even awake. Jean freezes when he hears Eren breathing. It’s too fast. Way too fast. The shorter boy’s head jerks frantically back and forth on his pillow and his face is screwed up with fear. Eren looks terrified. It’s not an expression Jean is used to seeing on the titan shifter’s face.

Eren lets out another whimper and Jean gets now that it’s out of panic. Half of him wants to reach out and wake Eren up, the other part wants to crawl back into bed and pretend this never happened. Because Eren him are _good_ at the fighting and rude comments. That’s the extent of their relationship. Sure there is a sense of comradery there, but that doesn't cover this. And if whatever is happening inside Eren’s head is enough to make him scared, Jean doesn’t want any part of it.

At least that’s what he says. But he’s still standing there, hesitating, and Jean feels kinda like he’s trespassing. For all their bickering and insults, Jean knows there are lines and this feels like he’s crossing them. And this is the kind of line you can’t uncross. This is personal, the kind of thing friends do and they aren’t really friends, so this feels far too _intimate_ for Jean to even see Eren like this. Jean cringes at the thought.

But then he looks at Eren’s face again and dammit he looks so small and scared, like a child; and he makes this little gasp like he’s in _pain_ and Jean mutters “Screw It.”

He leans over Eren and grabs at his shoulders, trying to shake him awake. He can feel the heat coming off of Eren’s skin even through his shirt and it’s almost uncomfortably hot.

“Eren!” Jean’s trying to jostle the brunette awake, but instead Eren begins to thrash against his hold. Jean winces as Eren’s elbow catches him in the side, and he scowls at the squirming boy. “Eren cut it out!” Eren’s breath is coming faster and faster, and Jean tightens his grip and gives the other boy a hard shake.

“Wake the fuck up!” He says it as loud as he can without waking the others, and suddenly Eren’s eyes are flying open. He jerks up, too fast and his head slams into Jean’s.

“Fuck!” Jean gasps sitting clumsily down on Eren’s bed, a bit dizzy. He rubs at his forehead; sure that tomorrow there will be a bruise. _This is what I get for trying to be nice._

“Jean!” His name leaves Eren's lips on an exhale, and he sounds relieved and Jean can’t help but think it must have been one hellish dream if Eren’s relieved to see him.

Jean looks back at Eren, highly considering yelling at him for trying to break his fucking skull; but he can’t bring himself to when he sees Eren's face. His green eyes are wide with panic, and he's staring at Jean like any second the ash haired boy will disappear. And when Jean sees the tremors working through Eren's body, something in him gives a bit.

“You alright Yeager?” Jean's voice isn't particularly soft but the question is genuine. Part of him can't help but hope Eren will just say he’s fine and Jean can walk away. But Eren clearly isn't fine, and Jean couldn't leave him alone like this even if he wanted to. Eren opens his mouth like he’s going to say something but then he thinks better of it. His head ducks down and his knees draw up to his chest. Eren clutches hard at his arms, trying to stop the shaking.

“I don't want to do this anymore.” It’s just a whisper, and Jean doesn't know what exactly Eren’s talking about but he does know he's in over his head. Because Eren sounds defeated, and he looks like the world is slipping through his fingers and he can't get a grip.

Jean glances around for his water bottle and spots it under his own bed. He figures he’ll get Eren a drink, and then maybe wake up Armin, because Armin actually can comfort people and he doesn't trip over words and act like an ass like Jean does. _You can’t do anything else for him_. Jean tells himself.  He goes to move off Eren's bed but before he can get very far Eren's hand is darting out, latching onto Jean’s wrist. It makes Jean jump a bit and he turns back and Eren’s looking at him again.

“Please don’t go.” Eren's voice catches a little bit and he looks embarrassed to be asking, but he also doesn't loosen his grip. Jean winces a little because something in his chest _hurts_ seeing Eren like this, without any defenses, all shaky and childlike. It’s not a look Jean associates with Eren Yeager, and he doesn't really like it being there now. Jean can feel it, he's standing on the brink of one of those uncrossable lines; this is something big and mature and scary. But he doesn't have it in him to turn his back, no matter how much he wants to. So Jean nods, letting Eren know he’s not going anywhere.

“Okay.” Jean’s voice is gentle and he sits back down, closer than before. Some of the tension leaves the shorter boy’s shoulders. Jean might not be able to comfort Eren as well as Armin, but Eren asked.

And that means something; that he's asking.

So Jean sits and Eren’s still holding his wrist and it’s almost like they’re holding hands and as soon as that thought enters his head Jean flushes because that’s _really fucking dumb._ But Eren’s grip hasn’t loosened one bit, like he’s afraid if he lets go Jean is going to run or just vanish. And part of him wants to take it back because they’re just sitting there and Jean doesn't know what to do but Eren’s stopped shaking so Jean moves his hand down and now he really is holding Eren’s hand.

It doesn't feel awful, and Eren doesn't mention it. He only curls his fingers around Jean's in response, and Eren’s breath becomes a little less shaky.

After a long moment Jean uses his free hand to scratch at the back of his neck, because he feels fucking awkward as hell, and he wracks his brain for something to say.

“So,” He trails off uncomfortably and coughs, trying to clear his throat. “Do you want to ah… talk about it?” Jean doesn't look at Eren for a long moment, because this is just not something he’s good at. But the silence is killing him and when he spares a look at the brunette he has the weirdest expression on his face, and that makes Jean’s shoulders rise defensively.

“What?” He asks a bit forcefully and Eren shakes head, looking unsure.

“Are you trying to…? Comfort me?” Jean scowls and his face heats up at the uncertainty in Eren’s voice. Jean is _trying_ but he's obviously not good at this and that makes him tense, because he should be able to do this, it shouldn’t be this hard.

“So what if I am?” Jean snaps petulantly. Eren’s eyes widen in surprise and the very corners of his lips twitch into the traces of a smile. This is fucking amusing him. _At least my discomfort is good for something_ the taller boy thinks grumpily. But he can’t deny he’s relieved that Eren is smiling, even if it’s barely there.

“Nothing, it’s just-” Eren trails off for a moment, and it strikes Jean that it’s strange to talk to Eren with no bite to their words. It’s not bad but it’s definitely strange. “Unexpected.” Eren finishes quietly.

Jean’s shoulders slump a little at that. After another minute passes he sighs again.

“So do you?” He asks, staring at their hands. His fingers are longer than Eren’s, but both of them have little scars from fights; and not all of the scars involved titans. He can see the time his split the skin over his knuckles on Eren’s cheekbone, and where Jean’s fingernails had broken the skin of Eren’s hand. And of course Eren has faint bite marks around his thumb. Despite his rapid titan healing, sometimes there are still scars.

“Do I what?” Eren sounds so oblivious and Jean rolls his eyes, unsure if Eren is avoiding the conversation or just being an idiot.

“Want to talk about it?” Jean says exasperatedly and he can hear the breath that Eren lets out.  The silence seems to stretch on and then:

“Do you still think I wouldn’t notice if you all died?” The question makes Jean’s head snap to the side, and he’s staring at Eren now, mouth hanging open. Eren looks like he’s bracing himself for the worst and Jean grits his teeth. _You really are an ass,_ he tells himself. Jean runs a hand through his hair. He can’t pretend he doesn't know what Eren's talking about, because he does. It was the first time they spoke after Trost- after Marco and… Jean’s chest aches for a moment but he takes a deep breath, swallowing the pain. He keeps thoughts of Marco locked away for private moments because he can’t bear to share his grief with the rest of them. It’s _his,_ the only piece of Marco he has left, and he owes Marco that. Owes it to him to carry that weight. So Jean just stares at Eren.

“What?” it’s not a question of remembrance; but wondering how Eren could still think he meant it. Eren fidgets with a loose string of a blanket, and Jean is struck with just how small he seems, which is ridiculous because Eren can transform into a goddamn titan.

“You told me I had to earn your trust, that you needed to know what you were getting into if you were going to count on me-”

“I know what I said.” Jean doesn't mean to snap, but he’s angry. Not at Eren, but at himself for being such an ass that day. Jean winces and watches Eren closely. “That’s not… that’s not what you were dreaming about it was it?” Eren flinches like Jean hit him, and that just makes Jean feel like more of a douche.

“All the time.” Eren says softly eyes unfocused as he stares down at Jean’s hand, “Coming back and finding your bodies, not knowing what happened. It even worse when I have to see it, have to watch Armin and Mikasa and Connie and Sasha and Reiner and Krista and Levi and-” His voice catches and both of his hands tighten, the one not holding onto Jean’s clenching into a fist. Jean feels like someone took a hammer to his chest, because Eren has never said anything like this before and Jean doesn't want to really know what Eren is going to say next. This is something important and personal, more than insults and bickering; goes back to that big and mature _thing_ and it’s damn frightening. Eren is bracing himself for that next word and when it finally falls Jean feels it like a knife to the heart.

“You,” Eren chokes out. “I don’t want to lose you either. I don’t want to hurt you, or have to leave your body lying somewhere, I just-” this time when Eren’s voice cuts out, it’s clear on his face what he’s thinking. He’s said way too much. He’s supposed to humanity’s hope. Jean and him are barely even friends and he shouldn’t be saying any of this he’s _supposed_ to save them. He’s supposed to be able to handle this. He drops Jean’s hand, like he’s preparing himself for Jean to leave, to tell him to pull it together. And normally Jean would.

But Jean _can’t_. And he doesn't know what to say but he knows he has to say _something_ but Eren can’t even look at him now and Jean might not know how to fix this; doesn't even think he can; but dammit he’s going to try.

“Eren,” Jean barely recognizes his own voice, because it soft, like he's talking to a child and in a way he is because they _are_ still kids really. “Eren look at me.” his voice is rougher this time, but Eren still can’t do it and Jean growls in frustration and does the only thing that has always made sense when dealing with Eren.    

“Dammit Eren! Look at me!” Jean growls lowly, grabbing onto Eren’s chin, forcing him to look at him. Eren’s eyes have gone wide and Jean can see that spark of indignation and it makes him want to shout with relief, because _his_ Eren is still there. And that possessiveness makes him flush, but he doesn't pull back. He’s leaning close to Eren, can feel his breathe on his face. Because this is important, and he needs to make sure Eren gets it through his thick skull.

“You are _not_ going to hurt me, or any of us. You haven’t and you won’t. Got it? I'm not afraid of you Yeager. We all trust you. _I_ trust you.” And he can’t believe he said all that because it was cheesy as fuck. But it’s also true. He and Eren might fight too often to be considered friends, but that only hurts on the surface, not like killing his friends, or betrayal or abandonment. Eren isn't capable of doing that kind of long term damage; emotional or physical, not to Jean or the others. Because Eren _cares,_ and he cares a lot.  Jean drops his hand from Eren’s face and leaves it where it landed, resting on Eren’s knee.

“I- thanks.” It’s a soft thanks; maybe even a reluctant thanks, but it’s genuine and even though he doesn't really know what he’s being thanked for Jean offers a grim smile at the other boy.

“Yeah.” Jean grunts shaking his head. Then he rubs a tired hand over his face, “I need to fucking sleep.” He mutters and he doesn’t miss how Eren's face pales so Jean stands and walks over to his own bed, pulling off the blanket before walking back over to Eren.

“I’ll stay until you fall asleep.” He can’t for the life of him think of a reason as to why he should do this, but he knows he _has_ too. He may even want to. He tries to ignore the look of gratitude on Eren's face as Jean crawls onto the bed beside him.  He tucks an arm around Eren's waist so the other boy is laying against to him, because the beds are only so big. Eren stiffens for a second but he doesn't protest. And slowly Eren relaxes back into him, and this doesn't feel too bad either.

“Hey horse face?”

Eren's voice is soft and Jean is _so_ tired, he can’t even get annoyed at the nickname. So he just grunts a quiet “hmm?” in response as his eye slip closed. _Just for a minute,_ He tells himself. _Just until Eren falls asleep._  But Jean’s already dozing off, and he just can't find it in himself to care because Eren is _warm_ and comfortable and for a moment it doesn't feel like they’re fighting an uphill battle. It just feels like holding someone.

“You're a good guy.” It’s the last thing Jean hears before he falls asleep, and it makes something in his chest _squeeze_ and it kind of hurts, because there are lots of good guys out there, but Jean is _not_ one of them, and Eren should know that better than anyone else. But Jean just tightens his grip on Eren’s waist before he whispers back;   

“Go to bed you suicidal bastard.”


	2. Chapter 2

“Is that-?”

“Shhhh! You’ll wake them up!”

“What are you all looking- Holy shit.”

“Fucking knew it!”

Eren opens his eyes first, blinking blearily against the light. The voices hush when they see him waking up. Eren tries to move, but there is a heavy weight across his body, like a log pinning him in place. Eren squirms, trying to throw the burden off. He finally gets turned around and sees that it isn't a rock, it’s an arm.

“What the hell?” he mutters. The arm is wrapped around his hips, a hand curled into the bottom of his shirt tightly. Eren manages to turn his head and when he does his eyes nearly pop out of his skull.

Eren scrambles away, accidentally kicking Jean in the process. The other boy jumps with a pained grunt; eyes flying open and pushes away so fast that he tumbles from the bed, landing with a loud _thump!_

Someone snickers and both boys’ heads whip to the side; see Reiner, Connie, Armin and Bertolt, each with varying expressions. Eren can _feel_ the heat flooding his face as he freezes staring at the four other boys. Last night comes rushing back as the fog of sleep disappears, and he flushes deeper. He can’t even bear to look at Jean. What the hell was he _thinking_ last night?!

_You asked him to stay with you. You fucking idiot._

Eren can’t move, just sits there frozen like a deer in the headlights, his mouth hanging open like an idiot.

~

From his place on the floor, Jean isn't doing much better.  

His stomach hurts from Eren kicking him, and his side hurts from his fall to the ground. And all he can think is that _everyone_ in the barracks witnessed him falling out of _Eren’s bed._ He surveys the faces in front of him.

Connie’s got this smug shit-eating grin on his face, Bertolt’s shocked, Reiner looks like he’s about to burst into laughter and Armin… Armin looks like he’s been _expecting_ this, all perfectly calm, with his mouth turned up slightly in the corners.

And Jean doesn't fucking _know_ what to do with that.

His gaze darts to Eren for a second, sitting stock still; blankets still over his legs. His dark hair is sticking up at odd angles, and his face is so red he could pass for a tomato. On the other hand, Jean is a sick white, all the blood drained from his face because this feels like a nightmare, and Jean thinks he might die.

_Why the hell didn't I get up before, why did I fall asleep?!_ He feels a bit nauseous when the next thought passes through his head _because you liked the feeling of Eren lying with you. Because Eren smells like fresh air and you can’t remember the last time you slept like that; completely at ease._ Immediately Jean lowers his gaze to the floor, sure someone will look at him and _know._

The stunned silence seems to last far too long until Connie breaks it with a gleeful crow, turning to Bertolt, who scowls.

“You owe me half your rations for the week! I told you they were getting together!” Jean chokes on air, his brain playing catch up as the phrase _getting with Eren_ echoes around his head.

“What?!” His voice sounds unnaturally high when the strangled word finally makes its way out of his mouth. He doesn't look at Eren, _can’t_ look at Eren. Because Jean can feel himself flush as the image of Eren flashes through his mind, Eren’s mouth open and gasping as Jean sucks bruises into his neck, and _this is really not the time for this_. And while it maybe not the first time this thought has surfaced, it’s not one Jean ever entertains; something he chalks up to really pent up energy and very few options. Connie’s brow furrows a little as he looks at Jean in confusion.

“You and Eren-” This time it's Eren that makes a strangled noise, like he’s dying and Jean jumps a little bit looking at him quick before looking away even faster, because that sound brings a whole different image to mind- Eren shaking and crying out in the dark- and that is almost more unwelcome than the former.

“I'm not- I mean, we’re not-” Eren sputters and Jean wants to smack him. This is all _Eren’s_ fault, with his nightmares, making Jean care with his stupid shaking and panicking and _asking._ “We aren’t… _sleeping together_ , we just- slept together.” Eren finishes lamely and now Jean really _might_ smack him.

“Shut up Eren!” Jean hisses, because he’s making this _worse_ and Jean didn't even think that was possible. Reiner burst into laughter, the kind that you can’t stop and Jean scowls deeply, while Eren's face just turns more red and _my god why can’t a hole just open in the ground right now so I can fucking disappear._

When the door to the barracks slam open, Jean takes the moment to escape. He can hear Levi shouting at them for being late as he scrambles away and out the back, desperate to get away because he would rather face the Colossal Titan then have _that_ conversation.

~

Jean opts out of breakfast with the others, instead swiping an apple and a piece of bread, sitting in the shade of one of the trees. He doesn't want to look at anyone and find them already looking back, hear whispers about this morning, because he knows people are already probably talking. Gossip moves fast because they don’t usually hear anything that isn't about titans or dying. So Jean stays under the tree and tries to figure it all out because something is there, nagging and he can’t put the pieces together right.

That’s where Connie finds him. Jean pretends not to notice when the other boy sits down next to him, because he doesn't want to talk about this morning. Because he is _still_ thinking about Eren’s face last night, he can’t get rid of the feel of Eren grabbing his wrist and asking him to stay, or when the other boys breathing finally slowed, his back against Jean’s chest and Jean's arms wrapped around Eren. Like he could hold Eren together.

Jean doesn't do the whole emotional sharing, can’t do it because Marco was his best friend, the person Jean trusted and counted on, and Marco was always there for him. And now he’s dead, because when Marco needed him most Jean wasn’t there. That just fucking _hurts._ Jean doesn't think he can do that, not again so its better to keep a safe distance.

But last night he stayed with Eren and he didn't have to. But he did. And he wanted to take care of Eren, protect him.

And that’s the stupidest shit that Jean has ever thought of, because Eren is Eren and he can take care of himself and if he can’t Eren has Armin and Mikasa, and Jean isn't good for shit when it comes to stuff like this. Just take a look at his track record.

He doesn't even really know what _this_ is supposed to be. Jean takes a vicious bite out of his apple, lost in thought.

“You know it doesn't bother any of us if you’re gay.” Connie takes that moment to speak up and Jean sucks in a breath so fast, that once again he's choking. The ash haired boy doubles over in a round of harsh coughs as Connie scrambles to hit him in the back. Jean spits out the chunk of apple, waving Connie away as he tries to regain his composure.

“I'm _not_ gay!” it’s the first thing out of his mouth once he has enough air in his lungs, and Connie raises a brow in surprise.

“Oh? So you're bi then?” Jean opens his mouth to deny this too but he can’t because as much as he likes girls, he’s gone home from pubs with guys a few too many times to say that it’s just because of alcohol and admired a few too many bodies of the male persuasion to say confidently that he's straight. So Jean snaps his mouth shut and scowls, trying to ignore the way his face heats up.

“Yeager and I aren’t screwing, if that’s what you're asking.” Jean says bluntly, little emotion in his voice. Connie chuckles a little.

“Who said anything about Eren?” He smirks a bit at Jean, who just grits his teeth.

“Look this morning was just a misunderstanding.” Jean doesn't have the patience for this conversation and honestly he just doesn’t want to deal with it anymore. He wishes everyone would forget about it, he wishes _he_ would forget about it but fuck him he can still hear Eren’s voice when he said he was scared of losing them. Of losing Jean.

_You're a good guy._

See, why did he have to go and say that? Because it just doesn't sit right, the weight of those words feel a little too heavy and Jean wishes Eren hadn’t said it.

“Yeah I too crawl into bed with people by accident.” Connie’s tone is sarcastic and it makes Jean bristle, because he doesn't understand why this matters and he just wants them to shut up about this morning, and he doesn’t want to look at Eren but at the same time he wants to know if the idiot is actually okay because Jean knew Eren had issues before, but this is a whole other level.

“It’s not like that!” Jean snaps, pushing off from the ground. And for a second he considers just saying what actually happened but he can’t, because what Eren said last night, he said it to Jean and he could have said to Armin or Mikasa or anyone else who probably would have been better. But he said it to Jean.

And the things that were said between them last night, Jean doesn't ever want to talk about it again, because he doesn't want to _worry_ about Eren. Jean doesn't have the capacity to care about everyone; he can barely care about himself. But…

_I don't want to do this anymore._

What is that supposed to mean? They can’t just stop; moving forward keeps them going no matter how many they lose along the way. _This_ doesn't just end, not unless you're dead. For a second Jean thinks he might be sick, wishes he’d never thought that. That can’t be what Eren meant because… it just can't.

Connie just watches the emotions pass over Jean’s face, and he can’t help but feel relieved because it’s been so long since any of them have seen Jean feel anything besides anger and bitterness. The only thing that makes the ash haired boy comes alive is Eren. Connie just shakes his head, a private smile on his lips. He might not be as smart Armin, but he knows that they’ve all lost so much; they need something to keep them human. This is a new thought, something Connie has been on the edge of, and Jean’s just confirmed it.

“It’s weird, ya know. We go out there and we fight and keep going despite losing so much,” Connie says out loud, but he's not really talking to Jean. “We could die tomorrow, and I bet some of us would be happy to go.”

Jean gives him this look, one that suggest he thinks Connie’s lost it but Connie just grins. It doesn't help the thoughts running through Jean's head but he clenches his fist hard, pretending that Eren’s voice isn't circling his mind.

_I don't want to do this anymore._

“Thanks Springer, that’s a comforting thought.” Jean snaps sarcastically. Connie just shakes his head.

“I want a reason to want to stay, don’t you?” the question is innocent but Jean goes ridged, feels like he’s exposed, and fuck he hates that feeling.

_Please don’t go._  

Connie gets up, and starts to walk away.

“Where the hell are you going?” Jean calls after as Connie picks up his pace, racing back towards the mess hall. Connie turns for a moment, still jogging slightly and even from the distance Jean can see that he’s got this big grin on his face.

“To go find a reason!”

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guys, i hope you enjoyed this. Again i don't own any of these character. I would love some more feedback, so let me know what you think. this isn't edited so i'm sorry if there are any mistakes.


	3. Chapter 3

Eren eats with purpose, trying to ignore the way Armin is staring at him. He can still feel his face flushed with embarrassment, and Armin’s relentless staring is beginning to unnerve him. Eren digs his spoon into his oatmeal and stirs it. His stomach is still in knots and he feels a little like he might be sick.

Or he might just scream. God he had been so _stupid._ He had slipped up, become a fucking babbling scared mess in front of fucking _Jean._ He had been scared shitless last night, convinced he had lost them all. Lost Armin and Mikasa the same way he lost Petra and Ouro and the others. He had watched them all die from behind the eyes of his titan form, screaming to move, to help them, but unable to take control. His friends had laid dying on the ground and Jean-

Jean had screamed.

_Dammit Eren!!! I was counting on you! I said I would count on you! So fight dammit!_

Eren had watched the other boy fly to the trees, try to get to their team, try to get through the other titans closing in on them, try to get to Eren. Eren looked around, looked for someone to help Jean, but everyone was dead. And Eren couldn’t do a damn thing even as he saw another titan reaching for the boy.

_Jean! JEAN! JEAN GET AWAY! DAMMIT LOOK OUT!_

But Jean couldn’t hear him, and Eren couldn’t stop it, only watch as the last of his teammates ran towards death. All because of Eren. It played out in slow motion the hand snatching Jean’s line, jerking him back, the way his body spun and reeled back.

Eren had screamed then, trying to get out, trying to do _something._ But there was something holding him down, he couldn’t move- couldn’t do anything. He writhed against the hold trying to get out. He couldn’t lose them all. Eren couldn’t lose everything, not again.

Jean thrashed against the titan’s hold, but there was no point. He was going to die. The Titan lifted the squirming boy to its gruesome mouth, and for a second it all seemed to hang there. And then Jean was gone and Eren let out a scream of nothing but guilt and pain. This was his fault; they were all dead because of him, he-

That was when Jean- the real Jean, the alive Jean- woke him up, and Eren had slammed his skull into Jean’s.

_God, you were such an idiot._  

He must have looked so fucking pathetic. Eren had fucked up, fucked up terribly. There were things you didn't say to guys who weren’t really your friends, and Eren had thrown caution away, said every thought he had because Jean was _right there_ and Eren had no time to put up defenses, he just needed to know they were alive, that they were all alive and going to _stay_ alive, that Jean wasn’t going to-

_Please don’t go._

How could he have said that? He asked Jean to stay with him, he asked Jean not to leave him. Because Eren was scared and Jean was there, and Eren was so fucking relieved to see Jean; alive and _breathing and thank god you aren’t dead Kirstein._

_“You okay Yeager?”_

“Eren what's wrong with you?” Mikasa’s voice draws him out of his thoughts and his flush deepens, because he can’t get anything past Mikasa, but this isn't something he wasn’t to share, not with her not with Armin because-

_Eren_

He doesn't think he’s ever heard Jean talk like that with anyone, all gentle like; like he was going to try and fix Eren.

_Eren look at me_

Eren had never felt so ashamed. Like he’d let them all down. He wasn’t supposed to be this scared. He _promised_ that he could do this, and here he was breaking down in front of Jean; the one person Eren had done his hardest to convince that he wouldn’t let them all down and dammit now Jean _knows,_ knows that Eren is scared shitless.

_Dammit Eren! Look at me!_

He could still feel Jean’s grip on his chin, even now. How the frustration faded into relief which turned to harsh desperation because he _needed_ Eren to believe him. And Eren still can’t wrap his head around what it was that Jean was thinking but he does know that it felt like he couldn’t breathe for that minute, waiting for Jean to say _anything_. Because he held Eren's face and he could’ve broken him right there, and Eren knows better than to be so vulnerable, knows that everything is written plainly on his face and he hopes Jean isn't looking close enough to see it all. How every word Jean said was like air, because Eren can’t remember the last time he felt more like a human and less like a titan hybrid freak.  

_I'm not afraid of you Yeager. I trust you._

How can he say that? How can he not be afraid? But then again it’s Jean and he’s never had the sense to be afraid of the right things. But still when he looked at Eren and all Eren can see is the way Jean screamed for him to help him, and maybe Jean _should_ be afraid. Maybe they all should be afraid.

Eren knows he is.

“Eren!” Mikasa is still staring at him and so is Armin but Mikasa has her mother face on and that’s not a Mikasa Eren doesn't want mess with. Well to be honest, he doesn't want to mess with Mikasa no matter how she looks.

“Sorry.” Eren offers his sort-of sister an apologetic smile but she doesn't look convinced. Armin is still watching him, like he's trying to figure out a particularly taxing equation.

“You're worrying me Eren. Did something happen?” he hates it when Mikasa sounds like that, because Eren knows she won’t hesitate to die for him, just as he would for either of them. And Mikasa worries far too much about Eren, and she always will but Eren doesn't want that for her. He wants Mikasa to have more than this, because she could have had so much more if she’d never stayed with him.

“Nothing happened.” He can’t meet her gaze and Armin snorts from across the table.

“This morning didn't _look_ like nothing.” Eren glares at him and Armin holds up his hands in surrender.

“I just don’t understand why you wouldn’t tell us about this! I mean we're your friends Eren, you could at least tell us you're in a relationship-”

“I'm not!” Eren growls face heating up immediately- because they’re talking about _Jean_ and it’s really _not like that_. Because Jean isn’t into guys as far as Eren knows, and if he was there were far better candidates, like maybe people who didn't transform into a giant-ass titan.

“Relationship?!” Mikasa parrots and Eren groans, dropping his head onto the table with a loud _thunk!_

“Look I'm not surprised that you and Jean got together in fact I kind of expected it-”

“Wait Jean?” Mikasa looks between her two best friends quickly and Armin nods curtly.

“What do you mean you expected it?” Eren snaps indignantly, because he hasn’t said anything about his rather less than straight preferences but Armin’s _expected this_.

“Yeah Jean was sleeping with Eren in bed this morning when we woke up.” Armin supplies and Eren wants to beat his head repeatedly into the wall and _why, of all the people behind the walls did I get stuck with these two?_

“Hmm.” Mikasa sounds thoughtful as she readjusts her ever present scarf, “well I hope you used protection.”

Eren can feel his face go aflame and lets out an irate “Mikasa!” because he can’t _believe_  she just said that, he didn't even fucking sleep with Jean. And that thought makes Eren flush deeper, because Jean isn't exactly bad looking and- Eren cuts that thought off right there.

“What?” Mikasa asks innocently, “Eren just because you like guys doesn't mean you can’t contract disease. And besides, we don’t know if your healing abilities cover _that._ ”

Eren sputters indignantly, his face still red and _how the fuck do they even_ know _that_.  

“I'm _not_ screwing Jean Kirstein.” He hisses and Armin watches him carefully, lips pursed, and Eren knows Mikasa won’t just let this go. Eren lets out a defeated huff, “look last night I…” he coughs, throat suddenly dry because it was one thing spilling his guts before Jean, and that was hard enough and Eren hadn’t _meant_ to, and it’s not something he wants to do again. “Jean was just there last night and I asked him to-” again his throat closes and he can’t get that last word out. _Stay. I asked him to stay._

He jumps when Mikasa’s cool fingers land on his own.

“Eren.” Her voice is soft and Eren glances at her face, so familiar with her black hair and grey eyes, and he recognizes the concern there, “look you don’t have to say anything. Armin and I are just worried. We know this has been hard for you, for all of us. We don’t want to lose you, and we don’t want you to shut yourself off. So if you can’t come to us, as long as you have someone to talk to I don’t care who it is. I just want you to be okay.”

Eren feels the guilt immediately because both of them are looking at him and he can see that there worried but also he can see their bodies lying lifeless on the ground and he doesn't want that. Can’t stand it. He can’t lose them- _won’t_ lose them. His eyes roam the room, sees Ymir and Krista playing some kind of game with a pair of dice, Sasha watching on and picking at scraps of food as Bertolt and Reiner discuss something in one corner of the room, while Hanje talks animatedly in Levi’s ear, who’s half listening and half eyeing the room with sharp scrutiny. He can’t lose any of them can’t lose-

_You. I don’t want to lose you either. I don’t want to hurt you, or have to leave your body lying somewhere, I just-_

Dammit, why did he have to say that? Why did he say any of it? Those are things you can’t just take back, and Eren doesn't know what he’s supposed to do. Just pretend it never happened? Because Jean is Jean, and maybe Eren will never admit it out loud but sometimes he catches himself watching the other boy when he shouldn’t be, but that’s just because Jean is good looking- like _really_ good looking-not because Eren feels something. He can’t afford to feel something like that.

His thoughts are interrupted by Connie, barreling through the door with this giant grin on his face. For a moment he scans the hall. His face is red and he's breathing in short bursts and he walks quickly over to the other table, waste no time in grabbing Sasha’s hand and pulling her to her feet before whispering in her ear. Everyone is watching curiously as Sasha nods slowly, obviously baffled. Connie’s grin just gets bigger and they’re leaving as fast as Connie came in, Sasha with a slightly confused expression as Connie tows her from the hall.

“What the hell was that?” it’s Ymir who speaks first and no one has an answer.

Levi clears his throat loudly.

“Alright, let’s go. Enough dawdling. We’re going to start off with some sparring today.” There are a few muffled groans but Levi narrows his eyes and suddenly everyone is up and scrambling for the door. As Eren, Mikasa and Armin reach the door Eren collides with another body, coming in the opposite direction. He stumbles back but an arm shoots out, steadying him. Eren blinks at Jean for a minute before his face flushes and then he’s gone before Jean can say anything. Not that he was going to.

Mikasa gives him a quizzical look before ducking out after Eren. At one time, Mikasa looking at him would have made Jean a blushing mess. She’s still beautiful, but that innocent crush died in Trost with most of their classmates. Jean wasn't that boy anymore. So he doesn't blush as she brushes by him, walking briskly after Eren. And then it’s just Armin and Jean, and Armin is giving him this look that makes Jean want to squirm because it’s like he _knows_ something. After a moment Armin hums, like he’s made an interesting discovery and goes to leave but Jean stops him without thinking. Armin looks a little surprised at this and Jean scratches uncomfortably at the back of his head.

“I- I just…” Jean sighs dejectedly. “Eren, is he okay?”

And it’s not something Jean really wants to ask, but he really needs to know. Because _fuck him_ but Eren’s still on his mind and Jean can’t get a hold of himself which is just really pathetic, but Eren’s voice keeps circling his mind and Jean just wants to put his worries to rest.

_I don’t want to do this anymore._

“You could ask him yourself you know.” Armin’s tone isn't accusing, just concerned and honest. Jean feels something uncomfortable scaling his insides, and he shakes his head vehemently.

“No,” Armin widens his eyes, because he guessed long ago that there was more to Eren and Jean before they ever realized it. But the scales have tipped, and something is bubbling just under their surfaces, and Jean looks frightened. Armin didn't think anyone else behind the walls and beyond who was emotionally dysfunctional as Eren, but now he's thinking he might have found a close second. Jean runs a hand through his hair in frustration. “No, I don’t think I can.”

“What happened last night?” Armin said he wouldn’t pry, but he’s getting the feeling this is a lot more than mixed up emotions and crushes. Jean pales a bit at that, and he doesn't know why he’s so jumpy, so nervous. Armin is Eren’s best friend, if there was a person to tell about Jean’s new concerns, its Armin.

“I-Eren, he-” Jean can’t find the words and he clenches his jaw in frustration, “I just- Erenhadanightmarelastnightandhesaidsomethingsand- and I'm worried.  I'm worried he’s going to do something really stupid.” Somehow Armin manages to get all of this, and even though he wants to ask more questions, he doesn't think he’ll get anymore answers out of Jean.

“I don’t think I can help you with this Jean.” Armin’s voice is soft and comforting, like he’s trying to put the taller boy at ease. Still, Jean’s eyes go wide with panic and Armin rushes to reassure him, holding up a placating hand, “Not directly. See, Eren's been… different since the 57th expedition, when-” Armin doesn't say it, leaves it opened for Jean to think what he wants. _When Eren lost his entire squad in a matter of minutes. When Annie murdered them in cold blood. When you found out the girl you were falling for was a titan capable of killing innocent people._ Yeah, it’s no secret how Armin felt about Annie. Even when he knew who- _what_ \- she was; he held onto hope for her. And for that Jean pities the blonde boy. So he understands why Armin can’t say it now. Armin just swallows and pushes on. “He won’t talk to me or Mikasa about it. He won’t talk to anyone, but he talked to you.”

“That- it was just because I was there Armin, it’s not like- like…” and Jean doesn't know what it’s not like but he knows that whatever Armin is getting at is something Jean is not capable of handling, that this trust is misplaced.

“That’s right. You were there, and Eren trusts you and he needs that right now. And to be quite honest, I think you could too.” Jean steps back, like Armin’s just said something he doesn't ever want to hear, and he doesn't really.

“I don’t need-” he begins, words hot with denial but Armin cuts him off with a look.

“You lost your best friend Jean.” And Jean feels those words like a hit to the chest and Armin looks at him sadly, “and you never talk about. Never mourn, never grieve. I think we’ve all got too much baggage to carry it alone. Maybe you and Eren can learn a thing or two from each other. If you're going to win a war, you need something to fight for.”

There is something unnerving about the wisdom in Armin’s gaze, because he looks far too young and they’re only seventeen but Armin looks like he’s lived too long, knows too much. Jean can’t find anything to say, because he doesn't really understand what it is he’s supposed to get out of this, and doesn't want to think about it because those types of thoughts hurt.

When Armin starts to walk away this time Jean doesn't say anything, just follows because what is it that he supposed to say?

So they walk in silence towards the training area after the others, pretending not to see Connie and Sasha in the shadows of the building, kissing like the world might end any moment.

_To go find a reason._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey sorry this took so long. It was ready earlier but my internet is being a little shit. Anyways sorry for the wait and i hope you guys enjoy it. Sorry if there are any typos. Comment if you want, I love to hear feedback.


	4. Chapter 4

\----Ch.4----

When Jean and Armin get to the field, everyone is waiting, save for Sasha and Connie who race in a few minutes after them, blushing under Levi’s glare.

But Connie is holding Sasha hand and maybe that’s why Levi doesn't say anything. Everyone knows that Petra would have followed Levi to hell and back; she was his friend and maybe more. Since her death, Levi spends a lot of time in the room that used to be hers, cleaning meticulously.

Like if he does it long enough he’ll wipe away what she looked like dead on the forest floor.

So he doesn't say anything, only gives them a sour look before he tells them all to pair off and begin sparring. Jean ends up with Ymir, which he’s less than excited about. He’ll never admit this but Ymir… unnerves him. He’s never seen her show much emotion, except towards Krista. She isn't cold, not like Annie is-or is it was now?- but there is something dark there, an internal deadness. And maybe that’s what scares him, because Jean does his best to push that deadness away-because god knows he feels it too- but Ymir wears it, doesn't bother to hide it. It makes him wonder what lies in her past, but Jean doesn't know much more about Ymir now than when he first met her. She always seems so closed off, like she’s got something to hide. Nevertheless Ymir is a fair fighter and she nearly takes Jean down with a well-aimed hit while he’s preoccupied with his thoughts.

Jean blocks, recovers quick and begins to spar, concentrating on Ymir’s style. He’s watching for that moment when she slips up, gives him the opening he needs to take her down. She sends a round kick towards him, unbalanced only slightly and Jean takes the opportunity to knock her down. The second she lands he’s there, sweeping her legs from underneath her. Ymir hits the ground with a pained grunt.

There’s a moment of victory and Jean relaxes for a moment, gaze sweeping the clearing. Without meaning to, he stops on Eren. It’s an odd picture, seeing Eren spar against the towering Bertolt but that isn't what makes Jean narrow his eyes on the two. Jean’s fought Eren enough to know how the other boys moves, his style and precision.

He’s fought with Eren enough to see he isn't really fighting back now.

Eren's form is sloppy, lacking his usual drive.  _ How long has it been like this?  _ The hits he throws are half-assed at best and Jean watches with a mix of concern and annoyance, because it’s like the idiot has given up trying.  _ Was it there before? Did I just never see it before last night?  _ Bertolt swings his fist towards Eren, who goes to block, but not fast enough.  _ How could I never see it, why didn’t I see that he’s breaking apart?  _ The hit clips him in the jaw and Eren goes down stumbling, hitting the ground hard.

And for a long moment he doesn't get back up. Something inside Jean’s chest lurches and constricts, the pressure only lessening when he sees Eren move. Jean’s eyes dart around, and he's not the only watching.

Both Mikasa and Armin have stopped fighting, exchanging concerned looks. Levi’s face is blank as ever, but his critical gaze doesn't leave Eren. And Bertolt just looks surprised, because Eren came out top of their class in hand-to-hand combat, and none of them have seen him go down that easy before, except maybe against Annie. Even then; Eren usually gave as good as he got.

Jean’s fist clench reflexively, because the more he watches Eren the more pissed he gets. _What the hell is wrong with him? Just lying down and taking it- that idiot._ _Get up and fight Eren! Dammit!_

But Eren’s just sitting there, looking beat and Jean practically snarls.

“Never took you for the overprotective type Jean.” It’s Ymir, on her feet again and watching Jean watching Eren. Jean grits his teeth.

“I'm  _ not.”  _ He bites out but his eyes don’t leave Eren, and his denial loses a bit more of its weight, and  _ fuck him _ he knows it.

“Yeah, sure.” Ymir snorts and Jean turns on her, ready to fight her again, ready to fight just about anyone, but  _ really _ ready to fight Eren. But Ymir stops him with an offhand comment.

“It’s been awhile since I've sparred Bertolt. Do you mind switching partners?” Jean opens his mouth, and snaps it shut. Ymir’s got this look in her eyes, and it's hard and bitter; but its understanding. She’s offering him something here, and Jean doesn't hesitate to take it.

“Not a problem.” He’s already taking a step away from her, towards Eren; but he pauses to give her a nod of… gratitude, recognition, a silent  _ thank you _ ? Whatever it is, Ymir gets it and nods back. Then Jean is striding across the clearing, purposefully, his eyes narrowed on Eren.

“We’re trading partners.” He doesn't ask Bertolt, just tells him straight out, leaves no room for questioning. Bertolt just shrugs and walks off towards Ymir, never one to argue. Jean catches Levi’s eye, but the captain says nothing only watches with thinly veiled interest. Jean squares his shoulders; he can  _ feel  _ the others watching him. Jean pushes that out of his head and glares down at Eren.

_ Eren.  _  Jean is  _ pissed  _ at Eren. Because Eren got him into this mess, Eren made him fucking  _ concerned _ , Eren’s gotten under his skin and he’s making people-most importantly Jean- worry about him and he  _ isn't fighting back _ .

“Jean-” there is a hesitant question there and that pisses Jean off more, because Eren isn't hesitant, Eren takes action, Eren is an idiot who acts without thinking.

“Get the fuck up Yeager.” Jean snarls, and Eren's green eyes go wide before narrowing, looking irate.

“What’s your problem?” Eren pushes himself off the ground a bit and Jean wants to yell at him; his hand shoots out, grabbing Eren by the collar and yanking him up. Eren let out a noise of protest, pushing against Jean. But Jean’s grip is hard and he pulls Eren close, so they’re face to face.

“You’re my problem Eren. So get it together and give me a proper fight instead of lying down and fucking taking it. Got it.” Jean’s voice is a low growl, and he sees that familiar spark of anger light in Eren’s eyes, sees Eren getting pissed. Jean mouth twists into a sardonic smirk.

_ Good. _

He shoves Eren back, letting go of his collar and stepping into a fighting stance. Eren stumbles a bit, regaining his footing before lifting his fists, looking sufficiently ticked off.

Eren throws the first punch and Jean feels a flood of relief, feels the familiarity in this; because he knows what to do here, know what he needs to do with  _ this  _ Eren, knows how to get him going. This is like second nature to Jean.

He blocks the hit, but Eren gets him with a right hook and Jean snarls, catching Eren in the gut with his knee. He hears Eren gasp, and Jean pushes closer. Eren is a better fighter than Jean, as much as he hates to admit it. But after years of throwing punches and getting his ass handed to him, Jean has learned some tricks. As long as he keeps Eren close, Jean has the advantage because Eren doesn't have the space to make an efficient blow. So he gets in Eren’s space, wraps a hand in the fabric of the other boy’s shirt and hitting him again in the side. Eren lets out a growl, wrapping one leg around Jean’s; and that unbalanced Jean enough for him to go down, pulling Eren with him.

The impact with the ground knocks the breath out of Jean, and Eren takes the opportunity to hit him in the jaw, snapping Jean’s head to the side. Jean blinks rapidly as black spots dance across his vision, twisting because Eren doesn't quite have him pinned yet, Jean’s leg coming up as he flips them.

His knee settles between Eren's thighs, and Jean’s hands scramble to grab Eren's and pin them down. Eren knows instinctively what Jean’s trying to do, knows if he gets him in this hold he's screwed, because it’s one Jean uses often against him since it’s so fucking effective. Eren's one free hand latches onto Jean’s hair, giving a sharp yank. It’s a dick move, a desperate move but Eren uses it anyway.

And Jean gasps.

Not because it hurts, which yeah it kinda does; but he gasps because he likes the feeling of another person’s hands in his hair, pulling, yanking on the soft strands. Jean shuts his eyes for a quick second and grits his teeth before grabbing Eren's hand from his hair, wrapping his long fingers around Eren's and detangling the boy’s hand from his hair. He slams Eren's hand on the ground, fingers still laced together, and immediately they both flush because Jean can’t help but think of how Eren’s fingers tightened around his hand last night, the things he said.

_ You. I don’t want to lose you either. _

And Jean doesn't want to think about that anymore, how vulnerable Eren looked, that unfamiliar need to protect him. Likewise Eren’s eyes have gone wide, because something eases in his chest when he feels Jean’s hand tighten around his, and he  _ hates  _ that, hates that he’s become so scared and that he’s losing it, that he's got so many skeletons in his closet it could be a graveyard.

But Jean feels himself freeze up, staring down at Eren with an unfamiliar expression, like he wants to hit Eren, but he also might want to curl himself around the other boy again. And that confuses and simultaneously scares the fuck out of Jean because he doesn't know what the hell Eren did or how, but he’s fucked Jean up for sure. Because it’s one thing to go home with a stranger and walk away in the morning, unscathed and unemotional. But it’s something else to be staring at Eren’s face when Jean  _ knows  _ he should look away right now, instead he's memorizes the panes of the boy’s face, goes from his eyes to his nose to his lips. And stays staring at his lips. Jean can’t help but think Eren has nice lips, however unwanted the thought is.

Eren’s eyes are bright, watching Jean watching him. Jean looks confused like he doesn't quite understand why he's staring at Eren, leaning over Eren, their faces not far apart. And something uncomfortable and new squirms in Eren's chest, and he needs to get out of this  _ right now. _

Eren begins to writhe against the hold, reminding Jean of where they are and he tightens his hold, pressing Eren down. Eren grits his teeth, catches Jean’s gaze and on instinct bucks up, his hips colliding with Jean’s, and the other boy inhales sharply; and Eren's name falls inadvertently from his lips on a whisper; because  _ fuck _ something works its way down Jean’s spine in a shiver, and he let go of Eren like Eren’s burned him. And that’s all Eren needs to flip Jean on his back, so Eren is on top. And Jean looks up at him with surprise, and the only thought in Jean’s head is  _ I'm so fucking screwed _ . Jean lets his head fall back on the ground and Eren scrambles off of him as Jean tries to pull it the fuck together. He rubs a hand over his face from his place on the ground.

_ Well shit. _

Jean gets off the ground, eyeing Eren cryptically. And Eren looks ticked, staring adamantly at the ground. Both he and Jean are covered in dirt, and Eren's face is twisted into a scowl. Jean knows Eren saw him, saw him look at Eren's mouth, heard him gasp Eren’s name. And those aren’t exactly things that just happen between not-quite-friends.

“That’s enough for today. Take half an hour to clean yourselves up and meet in the shed to get ODM gear for practice.” Levi’s voice cuts through the silence and Jean looks around and sees that they’re all staring at him and Eren. Jean’s breathing is heavy and he takes a deep breath before walking off, squaring his shoulders and trying to fucking  _ think _ . There are too many thoughts going through his head, he needs to make sense of this mess. So he walks along the tree line and wonders what the fuck he’s gotten into.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Im so very sorry! It's been so busy but don't worry i haven't forgotten about this fic! Again Really Sorry! Please let me know what you think!


	5. Chapter 5

\----Ch.5----

Jean’s halfway back to the makeshift barracks when Eren catches up with him, grabbing his shoulder and shoving him back into the shadows of the woods. Jean’s back collides with bark and he winces, because Eren’s hits from their match are starting to bruise.

“What the hell was that back there, Kirstein?!” Eren livid, eyes bright with confused anger. _Which part?_ Jean thinks wryly, _the part where I traded partners just because you were making me worried, the part where I stared at your face for an unnecessarily long time, or the part where I fucking gasped your name. Because I've done a lot of stupid things the past hour, you'll have to pick one._

But Jean doesn't say any of this, settling instead for, “Sorry Yeager, you’ll have to be a little more specific.” He tries to come off as flippant, like he really doesn't care but it comes out as reluctant and resigned, like he already knows what Eren's about to say but is trying to delay it. Eren’s eyes narrow on him, trying to figure out where they stand now, because he feels like someone pulled the rug out from under his feet, because he _swears_ Jean said his name, is sure that there was _something_ misplaced in the way Jean looked down at him while he was pinned on the ground and that makes Eren uneasy. The words catch in his throat, the thoughts clogging his brain as the words stumble awkwardly from his lips.

“I- earlier you- the way you looked… I just-” Jean wasn’t expecting Eren to become flustered and babbling, and he has to admit it’s endearing- in a very platonic, we’re-just-friends way, of course. But then Eren stops, drops his hands and just backs up. Backs down, and lowers his eyes like he's giving up. Something lurches uncomfortably in Jean’s chest, because Eren doesn't back down from fights, especially not a fight with Jean. So when he takes another step back, Jean doesn't even really think about it, grabbing Eren’s arm just above the elbow.

Jean’s face flushes when his mind catches up with him but his hand doesn't let go, and Eren is looking at him, surprise etched on his features.

“Are you okay?” The words slip out before Jean even considers whether or not he should say them, feels himself cringe as Eren’s face goes panicked- then blank. Again there’s that uncomfortable lurch in Jean’s chest, because Eren has always been full of fire and passion and rage, the guy’s got ideals and hope enough for all of them but now he just looks… empty. And Jean can’t help but wonder how long it’s been like this, how long has Eren been hiding how terrified he is?

“What do you mean?” Again Jean is at the precipice of some uncrossable line but he barely hesitates this time, because Eren is making him really worried and Jean doesn't have the sense of mind to fucking _think_ because Eren has been the sole thing occupying his mind all day. And that fucking _pisses Jean off_ because he’s got better things to do, important things, they are in the _middle of a goddamn war,_ he can’t do this if Eren just gives up, none of them can do this. All those people, all this death, _Marco’s death_ , will be for nothing if they lose Eren. Eren is their only shot.

_That’s it. That’s all there is to it._ Jean say to himself, and something nags at the back of his mind, something taunts _liar._

“What the fuck do you think I mean? I'm asking if you're okay because you said some shit last night; you didn’t even put up a fight against Bertolt, and then you _didn't fucking get up_ Eren and I'm-” Jean’s throat clenches around the word. _Worried._ Jean can’t make himself say it, because it feels like giving up too much, like he's exposing himself and that's not something he does. The only person to get behind Jean’s walls was Marco. Jean trusted Marco, and now he’s left with this empty aching in his chest where his best friend used to be. Jean can't do that again, especially not with Eren, because Eren is functionally suicidal, Eren’s going to get himself killed, and Jean doesn't want to fall to pieces, loose another person like that. So the words hang there, and Jean swallows around them.

He’s worried about Eren Yeager.

Eren gets tired of waiting for the words to fall, doesn't like where this is going so he pushes Jean’s hand away because he doesn't want Jean’s fucking _pity._ He doesn't want Jean to see this, doesn't want anyone to see this, hates that he fell apart last night; hates that Jean was there, that Eren begged and let those jagged pieces fall out of him for Jean to catch. This is damage control now, cleaning up the mess he’s made.

“I'm fine.” the words are hard and hollow despite Eren putting everything he has into the lie. He just can’t _fucking do this_. Eren goes to step further back, to retreat farther but Jean’s there, Jean knows Eren too well and his eyes narrow on the dark haired boy.

“Fucking liar.” Jean sounds pissed, and _dammit_ he is. He can’t wrap his head around this, but he hates being lied too and Eren is _lying_ because it’s obvious as fuck that he isn't _fine._  None of them are fine; they’ve seen their friends die, been betrayed and broken down. Fine is an illusion, something to hide behind, and Jean can see that it’s _killing_ Eren. “You aren’t fucking fine. You’re scared shitless and-”

“Shut up.” Eren snarls, rounding on Jean and shoving him back. Eren doesn't want to hear anymore, feels his stomach drop out of his body, feels like he might be sick, because what Jean is touching on something Eren hadn't intended to give away, never meant for anyone to see; those thoughts are _private._ And they scare Eren, because he can feel himself ebbing away at the edges with each new death, deaths he _should have_ prevented. That all falls on Eren’s shoulders and the weight is crushing him. But he can’t talk about it, can't admit it, so he shoves Jean back hard, getting in close, like he might hit the taller boy.

“I'm not fucking talking about this with you Kirstein so fucking leave it. This conversation in over. I'm warning you okay, leave me alone.” Eren looks shaken and something in Jean’s foundation cracks and shifts because if Eren’s not there Jean doesn't know what he’s supposed to do. Because Jean doesn't believe in much of anything, and in the past Eren believed in so much it was enough for Jean. And Eren's throwing it away. Eren steps back; turns to leave as he feels his eyes start to brim, because everything feels like it’s _falling to pieces and he can’t hold it together._  

“Like hell it is-” Eren swings hard and desperate when Joan goes to follow him, because he’s given up enough to Jean already, if Eren starts crying now, he won’t forgive himself. His fist hits Jean’s jaw with a solid _crack!_  And Jean stumbles back with the blow, holding his jaw.

The silence is so thick it would take a knife to cut it

Eren’s standing there caught between alarm and regret and relief, because he can see Jean back down; retreat back inside himself. Jean’s walls go back up, and Eren doesn't have to think anymore. The relief doesn't last long, because Jean looks at him, gives Eren this look that is _cold_. Gene spits blood on the ground and shakes his head minutely as he stares as Eren. Jean’s got this look on his face; it’s beyond anger, it’s beyond anything Eren has ever seen in Jean’s eyes before.

He didn't sign up for this, he can’t fucking do anything about it and if Eren wants to die Jean can’t stop him, never been able to but dammit even that _thought_ hurts. But that doesn't mean Jean is going to fucking sit and watch Eren self-destruct. _It’s not my fault. I can’t do a damn thing._ If Eren dies it’s going to fucking hurt, so it’s better to walk away now.

Eren just looks stunned, because he hadn’t meant to hit Jean like that, feels like he’s broken something because they’ve never fought like _this,_ where there was something more to lose than pride. And whatever Eren's just lost, he gets the feeling it’s worth a lot more than pride.

He doesn't move, not even as Jean shoulders by him and walks off.

He’s alone now, and the solidarity feels suffocating. Eren makes sure Jean is gone before he sinks to the ground and heaves, because he feels sick with panic, feels the fear wrapped around his neck like a noose. Better that no one can see him like this, see humanity’s last hope on his knees and crying.

_You. I don’t want to lose you either._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah...they had a fight.
> 
> Okay, First off I AM SO SORRY I SUCK AT UPDATING I FEEL SO BAD. I just spent about three weeks in Europe without a computer and then when i got home there was this huge storm and basically I've had no power for nine days. I really am sorry, and i know this chapter is short but trust me there will be more angsty Jean and Eren. I haven't abandoned this fic, and i really appreciate all of you who have liked/commented/etc. thanks you guys!


	6. Chapter 6

\----Ch.6----

They don’t talk for three days.

There’s no bickering, no fist fights, no teasing or snide comments. Its silent between the two boys and everyone feels it like a dead weight. Not even Armin and Mikasa can get a word out of Eren about what happened, but every time Jean comes around Eren flinches, because the bruise he left of Jean’s jaw turned black while Eren’s momentary relief turned into sickening regret.

Because he misses Jean, misses how annoying he is and how much he gets on Eren's nerves, and Eren hates that he misses him because when did he even start thinking of Jean as a friend, someone who mattered this much to him?

Everyone learns quickly to stay away from Jean, because Jean is _mean_ when he’s miserable- and he is miserable- because Eren still occupies the majority of his thoughts, the asshole has wormed his way into Jean’s fucking _dreams_ , he’s woken up twice now in a cold sweat because he keeps seeing Eren lying there on the ground, refusing to get up, titans bearing down on him and Eren not fighting back.

Eren dying.

_I Don’t Care._ It’s become Jean’s mantra, if he says it enough he’ll believe, which is bullshit, and Jean knows it but what the hell is he supposed to do? The second night he wakes up Eren is awake, and when Jean looks at him Eren looks away, lies back down and turns so his back is facing Jean. Not fast enough for Jean to not see that Eren is shaking again, and _fuck it all;_ Jean wants to go and comfort him _still_ , so he balls his fist around his sheets and bites his lip until he can lay down again, pretending to go back asleep.

It’s ridiculous, he shouldn’t be this worked up over Eren, but everything he said is stuck on loop in Jean’s head, and something unpleasant twist in his gut every time he sees Eren.  Because what if it’s the last time? They could be sent out into the field at any time and then what?

Jean knew when he signed up for this anyone of them could die at any moment, that titans could attack and that would be the end for one of them.

But this is different. Because when Jean goes, he’ll go down swinging until his last breath. Everyone knows that; that they go on fighting until they can't.  But now Jean’s got this sick feeling that when push comes to shove out in the field Eren won’t put up much a fight if he’s facing death.

That’s the thought that has Jean in the lavatory at three in the morning, bent over the toilet and emptying his stomach's contents into it, because he feels sick when he thinks about Eren dying and _doesn't that bastard get that they need him?_

Jean doesn't sleep the rest of the night. When the others wake up sometime around six Jean is out running. He likes running, always has. It’s not nearly as good as being on the ODM gear, but it’s nice to feel the breeze on his face. Back before he joined the military, Jean used to run every morning. He’d run until his body hurt, until his limbs felt like dead weights. And when they had gotten to training, Jean would still run every morning but then he had had company.

It was how he and Marco had become friends, running along the dirt tracks at ungodly hours of the morning. At first Jean had spent the first two weeks trying to outrun the other boy, not wanting the company. Jean felt safer by himself. He was used to being lonely. Lonely kept you safe, kept you looking out for yourself and surviving. Jean can’t believe he used to think like that, that he was so selfish and so fucking stupid.

Marco was always persistent, and after a while, Jean became used to the pattern of his footfalls as they ran. It became routine, and somewhere along the way the two boys began to talk. Jean had never had many friends, never had anyone to talk to, not until Marco. Something about his presence set Jean at ease, and he told Marco things he had never said out loud.

About Jean’s father leaving, about how Jean had spent most of his childhood looking after his mother, about how he was scared but he was going to go through with this, get inside the walls and become part of the Military Police. Then he wouldn’t have to be scared. And Marco would say he’s scared too, but he’s got parents behind Wall Rose, got a girl behind Wall Rose and he’s going to make it there with Jean, so that someday Marco can bring them there. Marco trusted him, followed him. And Jean led him right to his grave.

Marco died and Jean joined the Survey Corps. Because being safe didn't seem to matter anymore, better people than him had already died, died listening to Jean back in Trost. Living behind a Wall so corrupt and selfish and cruel no longer held the appeal it once had. Most things, Jean had learned; looked a lot better the less you looked at them.

He didn't want to be part of the MP now, not after they’d treated Eren, tried to kill him and the others. The military police were cowards, and Jean was long done with fantasies of being safe one day. All that mattered now was staying alive one more day, so they could go out and risk their lives to keep everyone else alive. Keep Eren alive.

Because Jean can’t stand the thought of the stupid brunette facing the same end as Marco, lonely and scared.

Lonely doesn't really keep you alive it turns out.

Jean slows for a minute, coming to a halt because his chest hurts now and it isn’t from the running. He feels like he can’t breathe, and when the unwanted prickling sensation of tears start behind his eyes, Jean wipes them away hastily. He isn’t going to cry.

Not again.

So Jean starts up running again, trying not to think about how empty his steps sound without the echo of Marco running beside him.

~

Back in the beginning, when they were all still in training, when Eren was just Eren and he wasn’t Eren, humanity’s last hope, back before all the conspiracy and corruption and betrayal; the members of the 104th used to stay up in the barracks some nights.

They were simple nights, innocent even. They would sit and laugh and talk and just be normal teenagers.

None of them are normal teenagers anymore. They’ve seen too much death, too much destruction. That innocence is long gone.

But the nights- the nights still happen. Levi’s new squad gets one day off a month. It’s not enough time to go home, and even if it was it wouldn’t really matter because Eren, Mikasa, Armin, almost all of them have no home to go back to, even if they could without the Military Police hunting them down for questioning.

So they spend the night all together, crammed into this pub at the edge of this town not far from Headquarters. Even Eren gets the okay from Hanje for these nights. These nights have become a pretty big deal in the past year. It’s partly because the alcohol helps take away the sharp edges of the lives they lead and partly because it’s a day off, and that’s gotta be something to celebrate. Every last one of them clings to something to celebrate. The opportunity doesn't come often so they have to take it when they can. Which yeah, it’s pretty shit reasoning but what hasn’t gone to shit these days.

Eren takes another swallow from the glass in his hand, and winces at the burn. Only Reiner and Bertolt are actually old enough to drink, but the symbol of the Survey Corps on Eren’s jacket seems to be an adequate pass for the servers. It’s an unspoken understanding that always makes the atmosphere a bit heavier.

If Eren and his friends are old enough to go and die for Humanity, they are old enough to drink.

Eren is seated beside Armin and Mikasa on one side and Reiner on the other. It’s crowded tonight, there is a band in one corner of the pub and people litter the floor, dancing and laughing and drinking. Connie and Sasha are out there, dancing clumsily and laughing. Eren feels a quick flare of envy, because they look _so fucking happy._ How is possible to be that happy, living in a world like this one? With everything that’s happened how is it any of them have retained any sort of light, because Eren just feels… empty.

Eren’s gaze wanders around the room, which is dangerous because he always seemed to get pulled back to the same place, the same _person._

Jean.

Leaning casually against the far wall, talking politely with a pretty girl who twirls her hair, flirting with Jean like there is no tomorrow. Eren tries to ignore the ugly feeling in his chest because this is the fourth girl to try and get Jean to dance- not that Eren has been counting.

He tells himself it’s just guilt, and Eren really _does_ feel guilty. The bruise on Jean’s jaw has barely faded and it’s _such_ a shame to have done damage to Jean’s face, because Jean has a nice face, a _really nice face._ And his eyes are pretty; the brown in his shirt goes well- in fact Jean just looks good all together, and Eren knows he’s told Jean on more than one occasion that his hair looks stupid, that it matches his stupid face but-

_This is why you shouldn’t drink dumbass._ Eren takes another swallow, just to spite himself, because Eren has never been good at listening to reason and this week has been pretty shit, so reason can go fuck itself.

There’s no way he should miss Jean this much, miss the fighting and the arguing and just the normalcy. Because Jean’s always been there, making Eren pissed, making him want to prove Jean wrong. But it’s been three days, and Jean hasn’t said a word to Eren.

Not that Eren blames him. Part of him wants to apologize, and part of him is terrified of what will happen if he does. Because Eren _really_ fucked up, let it all slip through his fingers and Jean was there to catch the pieces and Eren hates it, _hates_  how fucking scared he is, hates how much he just wants to lie down and never get up, hates that Jean _knows._

_I don’t want to do this anymore._

He’s being selfish. But Eren can’t go out there again, can’t watch so many of them die because he sees Petra’s broken body printed on the inside of his eyelids, hears the crunch of Oluo’s and Eld’s bones snapping in his ears, and Eren’s lost so many, lost his mom, lost friends and it keeps him up at night wondering _who’s going to be next? Who else are you going to sacrifice?_

Like he can hear Eren’s thoughts, Jean turns suddenly and looks at him. And Eren feels like he’s just been caught doing something he shouldn’t be. And he is, because constantly thinking about the guy who’s crushing on you sister, who makes you angry and flustered and confused, who you slept curled against and then punched in the face the next day because you were _scared-_ Eren flushes, and he’s still _thinking,_ thinking about things that alcohol is supposed to wash away for the night; so obviously he needs another drink _right now._

Eren quickly drowns the rest of his drink, and he can feel Jean watching him still, but he doesn't look back instead watches as Mikasa drags a stumbling Armin onto the dancefloor, a sisterly smile on her lips as she watches him trying to get his bearings. Reiner disappears and Eren spots him a moment later leaning against the wall with Bertolt.  He lets the dizziness of alcohol sweep through his blood, imagines it taking everything else away. It doesn't really, but the buzz helps.

“You look like you could use another drink.” The voice makes Eren jump a fraction and he turns to find a stranger very, _very_ close to him. Eren gulps, because _dammit_ the guy is good looking, with cropped dark hair, brown eyes and a wicked grin on his lips. He’s holding two pints and he passes one to Eren with a playful wink-

_Oh._ This guy is flirting with him.

“Thanks.” Eren takes it hesitantly and offers a small smile. The guy just grins widely.

“My names’ Tyler.” The guy- Tyler- is obviously trying to start a conversation and Eren needs to take another large gulp, because he doesn't have enough alcohol in his body for flirting.

“Eren.” He offers gruffly, and the guy nods like Eren said something fascinating.

“Eren, I've always liked that name.” Eren almost laughs, thinking _I'm sure you have, buddy._ But still, Tyler’s a good looking guy and it’s been a long time since Eren's had a good screw. He could use a distraction, something to blow off some steam. _Or just something to blow._

Yeah, getting laid might be a good thing.

“You live around here Tyler?” it’s a safe question, and safe questions are good.  

“Yeah actually, right in town. I work here most nights, just got off shift. And it seemed like an awful shame for someone as good looking as you to be sitting alone. Besides, I like men in uniform.” Tyler pulls coyly at Eren's jacket and Eren flushes, because _wow this guy is forward as fuck,_ but hey he can work with this. He takes another drink, the buzz growing noticeably stronger.

“That so?” Eren raises an eyebrow and the Tyler grins again, gets even closer.

“Yeah that’s so.” The guy smell like liquor and straw, which isn't a bad mix. But something unwelcomed chimes in that ODM gear oil and fresh air smells _much_ better _._ Tyler’s eyes are a nice shade of brown, but it’s dark, darker than- “Would you like to dance?” He asks, and Eren pushes those thoughts down takes another large swallow.

“Absolutely.” He sways a bit on his feet when he stands because the ground feels a bit wobbly, but Tyler steadies him with a hand on Eren's waist and then he’s being pulled out onto the dance floor making sure not to look around for a very different pair of brown eyes as he does.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, look I updated! In a sorta reasonable amount of time! I hope you guys enjoy this! As always sorry for any mistakes, and let me know what you think!


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Stupid boys and alcohol, what could go wrong?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a long one because I suck at updating *winks and gives you finger guns*

\---Ch.7---

“Look Cheryl-”

“Cherri!” the Blonde snaps and Jean fights the urge to tell her he doesn't fucking care.

“Right. Look _Cherri,_ ” he makes sure to put the emphasis on the girl’s name and she flushes angrily, “I appreciate the compliment of a pretty girl coming up and batting her eyes at me, but I'm really not that interested.”

‘Cherri’ calls him a few choice words before turning on her heel and marching away in a huff.

Jean is a little less than sober. To be perfectly honest he hasn’t drank that much tonight, but he’s in a shit mood and he’s had just enough to loosen his tongue. Enough to make bad decisions, just not bad decisions with  stuck up blonde girls.

“What was that about?” Connie’s voice makes Jean jump, and he shrugs after a moment because fuck if he knows.

“Just not interested. Where’s your dance partner?” Jean offers distractedly, taking another small sip of his drink. He doesn't miss the way Connie smiles, but he pretends he does. Connie’s got this light in his eyes these last couple days, and Jean is half jealous and half pitying because he knows it’s because of Sasha.

Because Connie and Sasha are his friends, and Jean hates what happens next. It’s a sight they’ve all become familiar with, the toll losing someone you’ve been stupid enough to love. It comes with this deadness; it’s something Shadis looked for that first day so long ago when they all wound up in training. Eren, Mikasa, Armin, some of the others, they had it then and they damn well have it now. They’ve all got it now.

If Jean believed in a god, if there was ever someone listening _don’t let it happen to them again._

Connie nudges him with his elbow, startling Jean out of his morbid thoughts and he offers a tight lipped smile, reminding himself that this is why he really shouldn’t drink.

“Hmm?” Jean doesn't look at him, because his gaze has found its way back to Eren for the thousandth time tonight. Jean’s eyes narrow on the guy standing next to Eren- no the guy who looks like he’s seconds away from crawling into Eren's lap, decisively coming to the conclusion that this guy looks like a Douche, and he really _shouldn’t_ stand so close to Eren. Again there is that uncomfortable twist in his gut and Jean wonders if he’s coming down with the flu.

“What happened with you two?” Jean tenses immediately before forcing himself to relax when Connie asks about Eren. Jean tears his gaze away as Eren smiles at Douchebag, reminding himself that there isn't anything to be upset over. It’s not like it’s a surprise. Eren is a good looking guy, of course people would notice him sitting alone at the bar. Jean knows he has. But that’s _diffErent_ because-

Because Jean fucking says so.

“Nothing. We got into a fight. End of story.” His tone is final, but Connie gives him an unsure look.

“You guys just seem-”

“How about you and Sasha? It’s about time you got together.” Jean’s never been subtle and he wants Connie to stop asking because Jean _doesn't_ want to talk about Eren. Because his jaw still aches, and he can’t forget the look in Eren’s eyes, like a caged animal. But this isn't his problem, it’s not. Douchebag can deal with Eren and all his shit because it isn't Jean’s job.

_I Don’t Care._ Jean repeats this for the millionth time.

_Liar._ His mind echoes back for the millionth time.

“Jean-” Connie sounds worried so Jean forces a smile on his face, and brushes the smaller boy off.

“It’s fine Connie. I'm fine.” Jean sounds far more assured than he feels, because there is definitely something wrong with someone occupying so much of one person’s thoughts. Jean takes a slightly larger swallow of his drink, and cringes at the burn it leaves in his throat.

“Really?” Connie snorts disbelieving. “You're fine?”

“Just peachy.” Jean grounds out, ignoring the way Connie looks at him, like Jean’s an idiot.

“Dude-”

“Connie, go dance with Sasha and let me drink in peace alright? Because if you keep standing there, I'm going to think you're trying to put moves on me. And I hate to break it to you but you're not my type.” Connie opens his mouth to protest, but Jean fixes him with a glare and the smaller boy just shakes as if to say _hey I tried._

Then Jean is alone again. His eyes roam back to Eren’s spot at the bar only to find it vacated. His heart jumps and he sweeps his gaze around, finally latching onto Eren, swaying unsteadily on the floor, while douchebag wraps his arms around Eren’s waist. Jean swallows around the lump in his throat, tries to wash it down with alcohol. It doesn't work.

_Eren can dance with whoever he wants to, I've got nothing to do with it. Not my problem. I don’t care._

But then Douchebag leans down, presses his lips against Eren’s and Jean feels like someone hit him. He sucks in a sharp breath, tells himself he should look away. This isn't any of his business.

Eren stiffens, tries to pull away but Douchebag only pushes closer. Jean’s known Eren long enough to see the uncomfortable set of his shoulders, the beginnings of panic-- not because he can’t handle himself in a fight, but because Eren knows what he is capable of. He won’t make a scene, not at the risk of word getting back to Levi. What is he supposed to do?  Eren brings his hands up to make some space but Douchebag isn't having it and _why isn't anyone doing anything?_

Douchebag’s hands grip Eren's waist tightly holding him in place as Eren pulls back and squirms against the other boy, even as Eren's lips form the word _Stop,_ Douchebag presses another hard kiss against Eren’s mouth.

And Jean feels something snap.

~

Tyler isn’t a bad dancer, but that doesn't stop Eren from feeling nauseous. It’s too crowded, even though they’re dancing towards the edge of the mass of people occupying the floor. The air is hot and sticky and it seemed to cling to everything, making Eren feel like he’s trying to move through molasses.

Hands stray lower, gripping Eren's waist—one slipping down to his ass and Eren tenses just a bit, because he can remember the feel of a very diffErent pair of arms around his waist and suddenly that sick feeling seems a little more obvious, a little more suffocating. _Relax,_ Eren told himself, _you're acting like a virgin._ He takes a deep breath, forcing his body to lose a bit of the tension.

“Just relax.” Tyler whispers in his ear, and Eren feels a thread of annoyance for no particular reason other than that this guy is telling him what to do.  Eren shut his eyes, tries to focus. Everything is fine. Just fine. He isn’t dancing with a stranger- a stranger who is very interested in doing him, by the way- and thinking about someone else. Because that would be desperate, and pathetic and absolutely hopeless because Eren is pretty sure he made Jean hate him.

_It’s better like this._ Eren reminds himself for the thousandth time. _Less chance I’ll hurt him now._

“You’re so tense.” Tyler mumbles, pulling Eren even closer and Eren fights the urge to roll his eyes, but then Tyler is kissing him brashly all teeth and too much tongue.

_Wrong._ He tastes like alcohol, and Eren feels himself stiffen instinctively. Alarms are ringing in his head, because Tyler’s mouth feels practiced and detached and _wrong._ Eren makes to pull back but Tyler tightens his grip and Eren feels a flicker of anger, _because the dude wouldn’t let go._ Eren yanks his head back; sees the irritation on Tyler’s pretty, vapid face before he’s pressing forward again. Eren’s disoriented, he can’t quite find his bearings. There’s too much alcohol and not enough air.

His hands come up, pressing against the taller boy and Eren slurs “stop” before Tyler is kissing him again, more forceful than last time and Eren tried to turn away, the feeling of _wrong_ being the only sturdy thing in his head.

And then the others boy’s mouth is gone, pulled back so quickly that his teeth catch on Eren's lip and he stumbles forward a bit, the empty space giving him nothing to catch himself on. A hand wraps itself tightly around his arm, cool and firm and Eren looks around, disoriented; his gaze trailing up to land on… oh.

Shit.

Jean stands just far enough in front of Eren that he can’t see Jean’s face. Not that he needs to. Eren can tell from the rigid way Jean stands, the stiff set of his shoulders, Jean was _pissed._

Eren’s mind catches up with him and the buzzing in his head dies down enough to hear Jean yelling at Tyler, who’s regained his balance. The sneer on his face makes him a lot less attractive, and Eren wipes a hand across his mouth unconsciously, trying to get rid of the bad taste left in his mouth.

“-ever learn that no means no you dickhead?” Jean is saying, the words dripping with venom.

“You fucker.” Snarls Tyler, “he wanted it.” The dark haired boy throws a haphazard hand towards Eren, who cringes backwards. It makes him sway on his feet and Jean’s hand tightens on Eren’s arm to keep him steady, to keep him from running.

“He told you to stop, dipshit. Next time keep your slimy hands to yourself.” Jean snaps as he turns away, flicking his eyes down to Eren for a quick second before heading towards the doorway, hand still gripping tight to his arm.

“We’re not done here, asshole!” Tyler grabs onto Eren’s arm and yanks. Eren lets out a small yelp of surprise as he’s jerked backwards.

Big mistake.

It happens in the space of a second, Jean spinning round, fist snapping out, the resounding _Crack!_

Tyler falls back, clutching his bloodied face and for a second Eren almost feels sorry for the guy, because Eren has been on the receiving end of Jean’s right hook and that shit hurts. Eren risks a glance at Jean, and winces at the icy expression on his face as he stares down at Tyler.

“Fuck off.”

Eren gapes at the scene, let Jean’s name fall from his mouth in inadvertent shock, because this is bad, this is really _bad_. Levi is going to murder them when he hears about this. Jean catches his eye, flushes before glancing around. For the first time he notices the crowd has stopped to stare at the spectacle. Jean’s jaw clenches hard and he casts his eyes down before  shouldering his way through the crowd and out the door.

Eren hesitates for only a second, manage to catch Armin’s wide gaze before he is pushing through the crowd, still stumbling and a little mixed-up, the only thought on his mind being _Jean_.  

The cold air on Eren’s skin sobers him a bit and the world is a little less unsteady. Eren swings his head around, trying to catch sight of Jean and failing.

“Fuck.” Eren breathes out, taking a couple steps away from the door and down the dirt road. He gets to the edge of the tavern and runs a hand through his hair.

It’s out of the corner of his eye that he sees Jean, leaning heavily against the side of the building, head tilted back against the wall. His right hand is cradled in his left, rubbing absently at the knuckles. Eren winces as he gets closer; the skin of Jean’s hand is skinned and the joints are already swelling slightly.

“How’s your hand?” Eren asks timidly and Jean cracks an eye open looking at Eren with irritation.

“How do you think it feels? It fucking hurts.” Jean snaps, and Eren scowls, because Jean was the one who decide to barge in fists swinging, and Jean makes him pissed because Jean is Jean so Jean is an idiot and this really isn’t Eren’s fault. But he walks up to Jean instead and grabs at his wrist, examining the bruised hand. He pretends not to notice the way Jean flinches back when Eren first touches him

“Why did you do that?” Eren’s voice comes out quieter than he would have liked, but he knows that Jean heard him, because the other boy stiffens, drops his head down again and looks away.

“I don’t know.” He mutters angrily, and Jean does sound confused but Eren can hear it to that Jean isn't saying it all, is lying and Eren _needs_ to know why, needs an answer. So he presses forward, brow furrowed and confused.

“Jean-”

“What do you want me to say?” Jean barks out, his composure cracking and Eren catches the look of distress on his face. Because Jean doesn't _know_ what the fuck is happening, doesn't know what he wants, or what came over him back there, he still can’t think because his thoughts are moving too fast and Eren’s too close. Way too close; they're breathing the same air and Jean can feel the heat of Eren’s hand on his. Jean shoves the other boy’s hands away and takes a few deep breathes, trying to clear his head, trying to breath air free of Eren. Jean’s head falls back against the wall with a dull thud, and he tells himself to _get a fucking grip._

“I'm just trying to help.” Eren snaps defensively and Jean laughs harshly.

“I think you’ve done enough Eren.” He bites out coldly and Eren’s shoulders grow tense.

“What so this is my fault?”  He scoffed, and Jean opens his eyes, lifting his head from the wall and glaring at Eren.

“You're damn right it is. What the hell is wrong with you, Jaeger?”  Jean has reached the end of his ropes. He’s fucking losing it, because he saw _red_ when that guy kissed Eren, hadn’t seen straight until Eren said his name, and that’s just messed up because everything with Eren is a mess.

“Me?!” Eren’s gapes indignantly. “I'm not the one who just fucking punched a guy out!”

Jean grits his teeth, because he doesn’t have a clue what his problem is but he knows it’s Eren’s fault. Jean’s chest feels too tight as he hauls in another angry breath. “If you hadn’t been dancing with that guy, I wouldn’t have had to punch him, you ass!” Jean yells and Eren’s face heats up.

“No one asked you to Jean!” their voices have grown steadily louder, and Eren is standing right in front of Jean, and Jean can’t fucking form a single goddamn thought because Eren is _right there_ , and this is the first time they had talked in three days and it’s all because Jean is a fucking idiot who _had_ to get involved. Eren feels like screaming, like punching Jean in his stupid face. “God you're acting like-”

Eren cuts off abruptly as his thoughts catch up with his mouth and Jean narrows his eyes. Eren flushes deep red and gawks at Jean before letting out a strangled half laugh. Jean feels his stomach drop, because he isn’t sure what just happened but he’s sure it’s something bad.

“Like what?” there’s a challenge there as Jean stares the slightly shorter boy down, and Eren hesitates as Jean pushes  off the wall, closing the small distances between them, his lips a thin line. Eren catches his bottom lip between his lips and Jean can’t help but watch for a moment, once again caught up in noticing that Eren has _really_ soft looking lips and- _shut up._ He stops himself there, trying to focus.

“Come on Yeager, I don’t have all day.” Jean taunts and Eren's eyes narrow, because he hates being goaded, hates it even more when it’s Jean because Jean knows all the right buttons to push.

“Like you’re jealous.” Eren retorts, sees the unease flicker behind Jean’s eyes and it’s all he needs press on.“You fucking like me Kirstein. Or at the very least you want to fuck me.”  Jean pushes Eren off, feels himself blanch, because he might’ve entertained the thought of screwing Eren once or twice but that doesn't _mean_ that- that’s just- _no._

“I'm not gay Eren.” Jean finally gets out. Eren grins because Jean looks like he wants to run but he’s also not saying no, and how can Eren not laugh again because this is ridiculous and it’s unbelievable and stupid and most importantly it's pissing Jean off.

“Could've fooled me.” Eren watches the tips of Jean’s ears go red, and a thought pops into his head and Eren’s jaw falls open farther because _holy shit_ “I should have guessed it back when we were sparring.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Jean’s tone is vicious but Eren only smirks, feels a thrill of excitement work through him. Because he’s mad at Jean, mad at himself, mad at the entire last week for existing, for all the stupid things he said, but hey this is Jean’s fuck up and that feels just _great_.

So Eren opens his mouth, lets his eyes roll back a bit and gasps “Eren,” mimicking Jean’s voice that day on the field, the way he sounded in those seconds before Eren had him on his back.

And that’s the last straw for Jean, because he’s been through a pretty extreme twelve hours and he’s tired and pissed and worried as fuck, and Eren’s messing with him and Eren _shouldn’t be messing with him._  Jean doesn't think as he grabs Eren by hips and flips them around so Eren’s back is at the wall and shoves the dark haired boy back. Eren gives this little laugh, like this is fucking amusing, and he needs to shut up _right now_.

And Jean is going to make him.

In retrospect, there were probably better ways to go about it. But in that moment, in that one stupid moment it seemed like the most efficient option.

Jean presses closer, _grinds_ against Eren, hears Eren's laugh cut out with a choked sound as Jean latches onto Eren's neck, sucking on the juncture where neck becomes shoulder and Eren gasps unintentionally because _shit_. A smug grin curves across Jean’s lips and Eren can _feel_ that stupid smile as Jean mouths at his neck, sucking bruises into his skin. Eren’s hands grasp at Jean’s shoulders as his head falls back against the side of the building. Jean nips his shoulder as he grinds into Eren, and Eren fucking _moans_ ; the sound sends a flare of white heat though Jean’s body.

He wants to hear that sound again. So he rolls his hips and Eren gasps. Jean’s smile is feral as he makes his way across Eren's jaw, teeth and lips on skin. The brunette’s hands make their way into Jean’s soft hair, fists tugging and if Jean wasn’t hard before he is now. Eren squirms under his touch and Jean’s got fire in his veins, all he wants is Eren. Eren-like this, under his hands whining at every touch as Jean takes him apart. The low growl that escapes his throat makes Eren shudder in response and his hips push forward but Jean pins them back against the wall, and Eren whimpers at the loss of contact, making Jean chuckle roughly.

“Calm _down_ Eren.” The words are between kisses to Eren’s neck as the boy pants between shuddering breaths.

“Fuck you.” the words are meant to be biting but come out breathy. Jean shoves his knee between Eren’s legs, presses against the growing bulge and Eren lets out a high whine, rutting against Jean’s thigh.

“Hmm, I’m more into topping.” Jean mutters, still laughing softly as Eren’s eyes roll back because this feels _really good_. Jean's trail of kisses have led him to Eren’s lips and he pauses, pulls back and takes a good long look at Eren. The way his green eyes are glazed over and half lidded, face flushed pink and bottom lip caught between his teeth. And then Eren says his name.

Jean sucks in a sharp breath because something tugs at his chest in that moment. Any remnants of anger evaporate as one hand comes up, and Jean brushes his thumb across Eren’s cheek in a moment of unintentional affection. Eren’s breath hitches and Jean’s eyes follow the movement in a daze coming back to Eren’s lips, parted and gasping. Jean is cautious when he leans in and he just barely brushes his lips across Eren’s. It’s like an electric shock, and Eren’s lips really are soft. Something warm blooms in Jean’s chest, he can feel his heart slamming and his legs feel unsteady. All over a quick brush of the lips; Jean feels like his chest might explode. The newness of the feeling terrifies him, because his knees aren't supposed to go weak and his heart isn't supposed to try to jump from his chest. Not over Eren Yeager. It’s enough to make alarm bells ring in his head.

Jean pulls away immediately and stumbles back, fingers covering his mouth as he breathes shallowly. Eren’s head snaps up at the sudden loss of contact and he sees Jean’s gone white, as though he’s seen a ghost. The ashen haired boy looks terrified as he stares at Eren.  Jean’s shaking where he stands as Eren watches him, green eyes wide and looking completely lost. Jean just stands frozen in place, fingers still on his lips.

“Shit.” He whispers as he stares at Eren, who is quickly realizing that something has just gone very wrong. Eren recognizes the look in the taller boy’s eyes, like a cornered animal. _Tread Carefully_.

“Jean,” Eren’s tone is cautious. Any sudden movement could set Jean off so Eren tries to keep everything subtle and subdued.  He inches forward off the wall but stops when Jean shakes his head. _No._

“I can’t- I won’t-” Eren feels a flood of confusion at the sudden change as Jean backs away looking scared out of his mind. “I’m sorry.”

Jean turns on his heel and starts to run. Eren can only stand there and watch the retreating figure as his own hand brushes against his lips.

_Shit._

~

Jean gets a mile down the dirt road before he breaks down. He leans against a tree for support, but ends up on his knees; still shaking. His stomach heaves as he bends over and his face feels wet.  It takes him a minute or so more to realize he's crying, tears hot with anger and disbelief and he doesn't have a name for the other emotions he’s feeling. Doesn’t _want_ to put a name to them.

How had this happened? _When_ had it happened? He knew somewhere along the line he had stopped hating Eren, come to care about him as teammate-maybe even a friend, but this- when had he started thinking of Eren as anything more?

Whatever that was back there, that feeling of warmth in his chest when Jean had almost kissed Eren isn’t something he had ever felt about anyone. He had seen this happen over and over, people losing the people who mattered most to them. Jean swore to himself he wouldn’t get attached, not again. Losing Marco had hurt bad enough, it still does. Four days ago Jean didn’t know how much he cared about Eren until he was faced with the thought of not having him around. That idiot wormed his way under Jean’s skin when he wasn't paying attention. Who's to say he couldn’t love Eren and not even realize it? And that thought scares the shit out of Jean.

Because Eren is going to get himself killed, and Jean gets the feeling that it will kill him to lose the other boy.

So he sits with his knees pulled close to his chest, trying to remember how to feel nothing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ...yeah. they're both fucked up. 
> 
> In other news, I'm not dead! I know it's been forever since this fic was updated, and i dont know how many people are still actually following this but I'd like to apologize for how long its been. There's no good excuse, and I'm sorry. My senior year has been wild. So I'm sorry, and I hope two angsty boys making out against a wall helps. Comments and kudos are appreciated.


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